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My first knowledge of Jessica McCabe was from her 2017 TedTalk Failing at Normal. It is fitting that her first chapter is titled How to Fail at Everything. Jessica writes about her life as a child, college student, and adult feeling as if she was failing. She explains how she didn’t meet expectations or went overboard exceeding them. That led to a lifetime of hearing “You have so much potential!”
Each chapter of the book follows the format of what her experience has been, what she learned, a toolbox to help us learn some strategies that have worked for and ends with a note on how her perspective has changed through time. She also includes excerpts of her followers from her YouTube channel and other works that she found valuable.
In this first chapter, she gives us the experience of living with ADHD not knowing what she knows now and how that imprinted her in feeling like a failure. She learned the basic expectations of life are to be a good daughter, pay attention in class, get a college degree, be successful, and take care of your home and everyone in it. By failing to meet those basic expectations she learned she was messy, irresponsible and careless. At the time she carried those inaccurate beliefs, her strategies were to deny, apologize, beg, try to do better next time, and of course try harder. That led to feeling like she wasn’t doing enough, she tried doing more, it didn’t work and she burned out.
The insight she gained from her first coach led her to try what she hadn't tried yet. Slow down, figure out what’s really going on, and find her own way to make changes for a better functioning life. Her coach suggested keeping a notebook. Knowing she loses everything Jessica started a YouTube channel. That was an excellent idea because now we can all learn from her! Thank you, Jessica!
This insider’s insight from Chapter 1
First of all I smile as I write about Jessica’s lifetime experience. She is very young, in my opinion, in her 30’s. As a matter of fact she is a very new mother just celebrating the birth of her first child less than 2 weeks ago. She did have an ADHD diagnosis as a child. Other young people her age just now getting the diagnosis call it late in life diagnosis. I laugh. My diagnosis was at 59 by a geriatric psychologist when I was sure I had early onset Alzhiener’s. Mine was a “just in time” diagnosis.
No matter the age of diagnosis; societal, cultural, family and educational expectations fill those of us with neurological differences and those around us in believing we are not living up to our potential. We can see how we are failing and how others seem to be doing the same thing and succeeding. We know we “should” try harder and we do. Yet, it doesn’t work and no one has any idea how hard we are working. We are over exhausted just from the brainwork it takes to appear something close to normal. We see how we appear lazy, careless, and irresponsible to others. What we tell ourselves about this is worse than anything others say. So we have the memory of what others have said or implied as well as our own dialog in our thoughts while we are awake and waking us up at 3 am.
This book should be for every medical and educational training. Doctors and teachers need to know this. More importantly every person diagnosed with ADHD or even thinks they have it should read this. When I got my official diagnosis, I did a lot of research. I learned it was not my character that was the root of all my struggles but my brain. And it feels like a horrible thing to say my brain isn’t normal, and yes I do make it a joke. But deep down it hurts as does any disability. However, I have made it to the ripe old age of 63 and am still optimistic. I have learned to be self aware, make changes and life is better. I do not want other people living a life of shame, feeling like a failure, and not having the best life possible with ADHD. I could go on and on but I won’t. The next chapters will cover what I want the world to know. Just know that no matter your age there is hope and you aren’t the only one.
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